“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving