[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
no such thing as a dumb question
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher