Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.