Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.