doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing