Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
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“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
U talkin 2 me?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
No one :
Me when I swimming :