Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.