ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.