Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Lassie, get help!
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes