Sing it!
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Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.