How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
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*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.