Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*