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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.