whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
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If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Them: You should try keto
Me:
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun