How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
CUTE CAT‼︎
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?