I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
How high do the levels go?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.