Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
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If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore