cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Florida man
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda