If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Current mood: Potato
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”