My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Guilty! 🤪
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO