The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.