A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
You Might Also Like
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Ha.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.