My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
You Might Also Like
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.