found this cool rock hiking today
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
and now we wait
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …