If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
It’s an epidemic…
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.