Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
It was worth a shot 😂
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point