{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.