ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.