So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.