A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
i wish we could shoplift online
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.