you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”