Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
May have had one breakfast too many
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”