I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?