Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools