Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I finally found a reason to live again.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I get distracted pretty eas
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
britain’s three elite institutions
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.