*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
How to draw a duck
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.