Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”