My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
no refunds
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news