I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.