I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Bit chilly again tonight.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it