I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!