i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
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Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
San Francisco has too many rules
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Not today, today.
Not today.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.