My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
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14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Happy Friday
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.