Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
You Might Also Like
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW