Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I love twitter
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you