when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Unexpected Judgment
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Are you ok, human???
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.