[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
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The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Midwest trash talk
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.