Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 馃槒
Her: oh.. 馃槈 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*catching up with an old friend* So how鈥檚 your gut fauna?
Just a bush.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me鈥ell, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis鈥ut hotter because he鈥檚 folding laundry
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don鈥檛 speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it鈥檚 kermit the frog鈥檚 birthday
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My dad teaching me to drive
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Showering is the worst. You mean I鈥檝e gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It鈥檚 been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can鈥檛 even play a phone game.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”