me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
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Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
are they though??
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.