[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.